


A Study In Doggerel

by CatsWhiskers



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Gen, Parody, Poetry, silliness
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-08-25
Updated: 2012-09-22
Packaged: 2017-11-12 20:48:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 5,587
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/495485
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CatsWhiskers/pseuds/CatsWhiskers
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Assorted doggerel and poetic parodies.</p><p>In no particular order (and, indeed, probably of no particular merit).</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Etiquette

When dining at 221B

Be on your guard, lest you see

Some strange body part

Served up a la carte

And there's never any milk in your tea.


	2. John's Lament

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Based - very loosely - on Thomas Hood's 'November'

No arrogance - no more;

No policemen calling at the door -

No brilliance upon his face;

No excitement of the chase.

No unknown corpses in the dock,

No deductions against the clock;

No bullet holes adorn the wall.

No point to anything at all.

No Sherlock.


	3. Soliloquy

221B or not 221B? That is the question;  
Whether 'tis better for the police to suffer  
The taunts and insults of outrageous Sherlock,  
Or take advice from Anderson and mark  
The case unsolved, unclosed?


	4. Lestrade

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Based on "Jenny Kiss'd Me" by Leigh Hunt

Sherlock scorned me when we met,

Insulting, from the chair he sat in;

John, you swine, who loves to put

Gossip in your blog, put that in!

Say I'm weary, say I'm sad,

Say that Donovan tried to warn me,

Say I'm getting old, but add

Sherlock scorned me.


	5. Buckingham Palace

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With apologies to A A Milne...

They're not very happy at Buckingham Palace

Since Sherlock arrived with undisguised malice;

Mycroft's looking dapper and neat,

Sherlock's wearing only a sheet.

(It was malice.)

.

They're not very happy at Buckingham Palace

Since Sherlock arrived with undisguised malice;

"Mycroft, you're looking terribly plump.

I'm amazed your trousers fit over your rump."

(Said with malice.)

.

They're not very happy at Buckingham Palace

Since Sherlock arrived with undisguised malice;

Mycroft's looking terribly green,

Sherlock stole an ashtray from the Queen.

(Sheer malice.)

.

They're not very happy at Buckingham Palace

Since Sherlock arrived with undisguised malice;

Mycroft wishes he'd called in the Yard,

Sherlock says Mycroft fancies Lestrade.

(That's malice.)

.

They're not very happy at Buckingham Palace

Since Sherlock arrived with undisguised malice;

Adler's got photos stored on her phone,

Sherlock told Mycroft to leave her alone.

(Was it malice?)

.

They're not very happy at Buckingham Palace

Since Sherlock arrived with undisguised malice;

Mycroft's looking as sad as can be,

There's no chance now of his MBE

(That was malice.)


	6. Sherlock

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With apologies to Rudyard Kipling's 'Tommy.'

When I went into Scotland Yard to look into a case;  
Donovan called me a freak - she said it to my face.  
Anderson, behind his desk, sniggered fit to die.  
I went into the street again, and to myself said I  
Oh, it's Sherlock this, and Sherlock that, and "Freak, just go away";  
But it's "Help us, Mr Holmes" when the Great Game starts to play.  
When the Great Game starts to play, dear John, the Great Game starts to play,  
Oh, it's "Help us, Mr Holmes" when the Great Game starts to play.

.

I went to the Diogenes Club, as helpful as could be;  
Mycroft listened to his aides - he had no time for me.  
Ignored all my deductions, had no time for me at all;  
But when the scene is dangerous, then on me he will call.  
For it's Sherlock this, and Sherlock that, and "Sherlock, shut up, please";  
But it's "Help us, dearest brother" when the country's on its knees.  
When the country's on its knees, dear John, the country's on its knees,  
Oh, it's "Help us, dearest brother"' when the country's on its knees.

.

Yes, making mock of theories that your tiny minds can't see  
Is easier than deducing; as is making fun of me.  
And when the facts are obvious to one with half a brain  
It really is much easier to treat me with distain.  
Then it's Sherlock this, and Sherlock that, and "Sherlock has no soul";  
But it's 'Sherlock is a hero' when the dice begin to roll.  
When the dice begin to roll, dear John, the dice begin to roll,  
Oh, it's "Sherlock is a hero" when the dice begin to roll.

.

I'm certainly no hero - I don't aspire to be;  
Just a single man in Baker Street - you're remarkably like me.  
And if sometimes when I am bored I fire bullets at the wall  
Why, single men in Baker Street get bored - well, don't we all?  
Oh, it's Sherlock this, and Sherlock that, and "Freak, just stay behind";  
They insult me to my face and think that I don't mind.  
Oh, they think that I don't mind, dear John, they think that I don't mind,  
Oh, they insult me to my face, and think that I don't mind.

.

They say that I'm a pyschopath, no humanity at all:  
But who is it that they call for when the writing's on the wall?  
When evidence is lacking, and the truth they cannot face,  
The Consulting Detective saves the DCI's disgrace.  
For it's Sherlock this, and Sherlock that, and "Sherlock, go away!";  
But it's "Saviour of the country" when Moriarty starts to play.  
And it's Sherlock this, and Sherlock that, and anything you please;  
But Sherlock's not a bloody fool - you bet that Sherlock sees!


	7. Sartorial Elegance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Apologies - once more - to A A Milne

Sherlock put his suit and scarf on,

Sherlock donned his deer-stalker hat,

Sherlock wore his Belstaff overcoat,

and that, said he, is that.


	8. Eulogy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Based on Wordsworth's 'Lucy'

He dwelt with me in Baker Street -  
Our flat was just above -  
A man who few did care to meet  
And none prepared to love.

A genius, whose frailties  
Were hidden from the eye;  
Bright as a star, when only one  
Is shining in the sky.

He lived unloved; but all did know  
When Sherlock ceased to be.  
Now he is in his grave, and Oh!  
The difference to me!


	9. Disobedience

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Based on 'Disobedience': A A Milne

Doctor John  
Hamish Watson  
(ex-Fusiliers, M.D)  
Took great  
Care of his flatmate  
As if he were only three.  
John Watson said to his flatmate,  
"Sherlock," he said, said he  
"You must never go up  
On the hospital roof  
If you don't go there with me."

 

John Hamish  
Watson's flatmate  
Picked up his phone and gun.  
John Hamish Watson's flatmate  
Danger considered there none.  
John Hamish Watson's flatmate  
Said to himself, said he  
"I can get right up  
To the hospital roof  
And be back in time for tea."

 

Greg Lestrade  
Sent round an email:  
"Lost or Stolen or Strayed!  
Doctor John Watson's flatmate  
Seems to have been mislaid.  
Last seen  
Heading purposefully  
Up to the hospital roof:  
Molly Hooper said  
That he isn't dead -  
But we don't have any proof!"

Doctor John  
Hamish Watson  
Blames it all on Jim:  
John told his  
Kindly landlady  
Not to go blaming _him_.  
John Watson said to his flatmate,  
"Sherlock," he said, said he  
"You must never go up  
On that hospital roof  
Without consulting me."

John Hamish  
Watson's flatmate  
Hasn't been heard of since.  
Mycroft had to say he was sorry,  
(That really made him wince.)  
Greg Lestrade  
(Donovan told me)  
Said to a DI he knew:  
"If people go up on the hospital roof, well,  
What can a policeman do?"

 

_(Now then, very softly)_

Dr.J.  
H.W.  
Ex-F, M.D.  
Took great  
C/O his f  
As if he were only 3.  
J.W. said to his f  
"S," he said, said he:  
"You-must-never-go-up-on-the-hospital-roof-  
if-you-don't-go-there-with-ME!"


	10. Mycroft

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Based on 'Teddy Bear' by A A Milne

A chap, no matter how he tries,  
Grows tubby without exercise.  
Mycroft Holmes is frankly fat –  
It’s scarely to be wondered at.  
He gets what exercise he takes  
Selecting biscuits, buns and cakes,  
But generally seems to lack  
The self-control to put them back.

Now tubbiness is just the thing  
Which gets a fellow worrying;  
And Mycroft worried much about  
The fact that he was frankly stout.  
He thought “If I were only thin!  
But how on earth does one begin?”  
“It really isn’t fair” he thought  
To deny myself gateaux or torte!”

For many weeks he dined in vain  
Upon green salad – bland and plain;  
And every night, within a dream  
Feasted on butter, buns and cream.  
And none of the people he did see  
“Is quite” (he thought) “as fat as me!”  
Then, with sad and moving sigh  
“I mean,” (he thought) “as fat as I!”

Now Mycroft Holmes, as was his way,  
Was in the Diogenes Club one day;  
When suddenly there wandered in  
His younger brother (who was thin).  
His younger brother, Sherlock Holmes,  
(Virtually skin and bones)  
Who, when he dined (sad to relate)  
Took very little on his plate.  
Mycroft heaved a heart-felt sigh  
And wiped a tear from his eye;  
And for his supper , dined with grief  
Upon a single lettuce leaf.

One day just after, Mycroft took  
A glance through an old history book.  
And found (by squinting through his specs)  
A picture of Georgius Rex  
(A stoutish man); and there, set forth  
The caption “Handsome King George IV”  
The man was handsome? Mycroft sat  
Rejoicing – for the man was fat!  
Mycroft rejoiced and laughed with glee:  
King George was fatter far than he!  
Handsome King George? Oh, little doubt  
King George was more than merely stout!  
Why then, Mycroft (for all his tub)  
Might be the handsomest in the Club!

Mycroft chortled loud with glee  
And ordered crumpets for his tea;  
And then – his diet quite forgot -  
Some buttered toast, all piping hot,  
Two buttered eggs, some best York ham.  
And then some scones, with cream and jam;  
And gingerbread, and cakes galore;  
And after that, he ate some more!

A chap, no matter how he tries,  
Grows tubby without exercise.  
Mycroft Holmes is frankly fat –  
It’s scarely to be wondered at.  
But do you think it bothers him  
To know that he is far from slim?  
No, just the other way about!  
He’s very proud of being stout.


	11. A Study in Snarks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What, I wondered, would have happened if Lewis Carroll had been Sherlock's faithful blogger?

FIT THE FIRST: THE ARRIVAL

"Just the place for the Snark!" the Detective cried,

As he parked the Range Rover with care;

Arranging his fashionable scarf round his neck

And adjusting his collar and hair.

.

"Just the place for the Snark! I have now said it twice:

That alone should convince all of you.

Just the place for the Snark! I have now told you thrice:

What I tell you three times must be true."

.

The team was complete: it included Lestrade-

(A DI of quite some renown) -

A Doctor, brought in to record their success -

And a Sergeant, her face in a frown.

.

There was also a Landlady, that sat in quiet calm,

Or would brew them some tea by and by:

And had often (the Detective said) saved him from harm,

Though none of the others knew why.

.

Mycroft was famed for the number of things

He brought when he started from home:

His umbrella, his watch, his tiepin and ring,

His assistant, his mobile phone.

.

He had forty-two files, all carefully sealed,

And 'Top Secret' stamped, clear and plain:

But, since he omitted to mention the fact,

They were all left behind in the rain.

.

The loss of his files hardly mattered, because

His assistant had brought her Blackberry,

And downloaded like mad: but the worst of it was,

He had wholly forgotten his teddy.

.

"His form is ungainly - his intellect small-"

(The Detective would often remark)

"But his courage is perfect! And that, after all,

Is the thing that one needs with the Snark."

.

He would talk with the enemy, returning its stare

With an impudent shake of the head:

And he once went a walk with a mass murderer

"Just to keep up my spirits," he said.

.

He came as an observer: but owned, when too late-

And it drove the Detective quite wild -

He was observing his brother – and this, I may state,

He had frequently done, since a child.

.

The Landlady, who happened to hear this remark,

Protested, with tears in her eyes,

That not even the rapture of hunting the Snark

Could atone for that dismal surprise!

.

She strongly advised that Mycroft should be

Sent home on the next London train:

But the Detective declared that would never agree

With the plans he had stored in his brain:

.

Navigation is always a difficult art,

When the SatNav has gone on the blink:

And he feared he must really decline: for his part,

Mycroft must map-read, and think.

.

The Detective's next course was, no doubt, to procure

A second-hand bullet-proof vest

(So Lestrade advised) –and always ensure

That he wore it right next to his chest.

.

The Assistant suggested (and offered her hire

On moderate terms, to obtain)

Two Insurance Policies, one Against Fire,

And one Against Damage From Rain.

.

Yet still, ever after that sorrowful day,

Whenever Mycroft was nigh,

The Landlady kept looking the opposite way,

And seemed unaccountably shy.

 

FIT THE SECOND - THE DETECTIVE'S SPEECH

The Detective himself they all praised to the skies-

Such style, such clothes and such grace!

Such genius, too! One could see he was wise,

The moment one looked in his face!

.

He gave Mycroft a map representing the way,

Without the least vestige of land:

And Mycroft was pleased when he found it to be

A map he could quite understand.

.

"What's the good of a map showing roads, streets and lanes

North, South, East or West, curves and lines?"

The Detective would cry: and the team would reply

"They are merely conventional signs!

.

"We've seen maps with such shapes – some show islands and capes!

But we've got the Detective to thank:"

(So the team would protest) "he has bought us the best-

A perfect and absolute blank!"

.

This was charming, no doubt; but they shortly found out

The Detective they trusted so well

Was fixated with speed, and could only proceed

With his foot down, driving like hell.

.

He was thoughtful and grave - but the orders he gave

Were enough to bewilder any crew.

When he shouted "Where the hell are we? That sign said Malawi!"

What on earth was poor Mycroft to do?

.

Then the clutch got mixed up with the handbrake sometimes:

A thing, the Detective remarked,

That frequently happens in tropical climes,

But it didn't half get the team narked.

.

They began to complain when time and again

The Detective, perplexed and distressed,

Said he had hoped, at least, when he steered to the East,

That the car would not travel due West!

.

But the danger was past - they had arrived at last,

Despite all the squabbling and pain:

Yet at first sight the team were not pleased, for it seemed,

They'd been driven to London. Again.

.

The Detective perceived that their spirits were low,

And explained in low baritone

Deductions he had kept for a season of woe-

But the team would do nothing but groan.

.

He served out some gin with a liberal hand,

A double, ice and slice, one for each:

And they could not but own the Detective looked grand,

As he stood and delivered his speech.

.

"Friends, Romans, and Countrymen, lend me your feet!"

(He could never remember quotations:

But they drank to his health, and they gave him three cheers,

When he served out additional libations).

.

"We have driven for months, we have driven many weeks,

(Four weeks to the month you may mark),

But never as yet ('tis your Detective who speaks)

Have we caught the least glimpse of the Snark!

.

"Listen, women - and men - while I tell you again

Of each unmistakable mark

By which you may know, wheresoever you go,

The warranted genuine Snark.

.

"Let us take them in order. The first is the haste

With which all its plans do complete:

Like my coat (which is rather too tight in the waist,

But shows off my figure a treat).

.

"There are four more signs: and it takes no great minds

To calculate this means there's five.

I'd tell you the rest, but – and this is no jest –

I've deleted them from my hard drive."

.

"And, although common Snarks do all manner of harm,

Yet, I feel it my duty to say,

Some are Jayems-" – the Detective broke off in alarm,

For Mycroft had fainted away.

 

FIT THE THIRD - MYCROFT'S TALE

They roused him with muffins - they roused him with buns -

They roused him with cake and gateaux

They roused him with jam and Victoria sponge

They roused him with cream (real and faux).

.

When at length he sat up and was able to speak,

His sad story he began to relate;

The Detective cried "Silence! Not even a shriek!"

And excitedly passed the cake plate.

.

"Our father and mother were honest, though poor-"

"Skip all that!" cried the Detective, going red.

"If it once becomes dark, there's no chance of the Snark-

"And I need a bath before bed."

.

"I skip forty-two years," said Mycroft, in tears,

"And proceed without further remark

To the day when you took me along on this trip

To assist you in hunting the Snark.

.

"A dear uncle of ours (after whom I was named)

Remarked, when I bade him goodbye -"

"Oh, skip our dear uncle!" the Detective exclaimed,

As he cut a fresh slice of peach pie.

.

"He remarked to me then," (said that plumpest of men)

'If your Snark be the Snark, that is right:

Fetch it home by all means- though it may try to turn Queens',

Evidence, which is surely not right.

.

'You may seek it with caution, you may seek it with care;

Pursue it with despair and glee;

Though it may well cause you to tear at your hair,

You may charm it with smiles and with tea."

.

"That's exactly the method," the Detective bold

(Whilst passing the petit-four) cried,

"That's exactly the way which I've always told

Capture of the Snark should be tried!"

.

"'But oh, plumpish nephew, beware of the day,

If the Snark be a Jayem! For then

You will softly and suddenly vanish away,

And never be met with again!'

.

"It is this, it is this that oppresses my soul,

It's much worse than you'd see on the telly:

And my heart is quivering just like a bowl

Of trifle and raspberry jelly."

.

"It is this, it is this-" "You have said that before!"

The Detective indignantly said.

And Mycroft replied "Let me say it once more.

It is this, it is this that I dread!

.

"I engage with the Snark-every night after dark-

In a dreamy delirious fight:

And it tries to turn Queens' in those shadowy scenes,

And I know in my heart that's not right:

.

"But if ever we meet with a Jayem, that day,

In a moment (of this I am sure),

We shall softly and suddenly vanish away-

And the notion I cannot endure!"

FIT THE FOURTH - THE HUNTING

 

The Detective looked peevish, and wrinkled his brow.

"If only you'd spoken before!

It's excessively awkward to mention it now,

With the Snark, so to speak, at the door!

.

"We should most of us grieve, as you well may believe,

If you never were met with again-

But surely, Mycroft, when the journey began,

You might have suggested it then?

.

"It's excessively awkward to mention it now-

As I think I've already remarked."

And the man they called "My" replied, with a sigh,

"I informed you the day we embarked.

.

"I told you at breakfast, I told you at lunch

In that restaurant where they serve only Greek:

But I wholly forgot (and it vexes me much)

That you never listen when I speak!"

.

"'Tis a pitiful tale," said the Detective, whose face

Had paled to the colour of string:

"But, now that you've stated the whole of your case,

More debate would be simply boring."

.

"The pub shuts at half ten" (he explained to his men)

"And we have until then to get plastered

But the Snark is at hand, let me tell you again!

'Tis your duty to go get the bastard!"

.

"To seek it with caution, to seek it with care;

To pursue it with despair and glee;

Though it may well cause us to tear at our hair,

We may charm it with smiles and with tea."

.

"For the Snark's a peculiar creature, that won't

Be caught in a commonplace way.

Do all that you know, and try all that you don't:

And mine's a large Scotch, by the way."

.

"For England expects - I forbear to proceed:

'Tis a maxim tremendous, but trite:

And you'd best be unpacking the things that you need

To rig yourselves out for the fight."

.

The Assistant endorsed a blank cheque (which she crossed),

And changed her loose silver for notes.

Mycroft with care combed his thinning hair,

And shook cake crumbs out of his coats.

.

Lestrade and the Sergeant were sharpening a spade -

Each working the grindstone in turn:

But the Landlady went on making tea, and displayed

No interest in the concern.

.

But the Doctor turned nervous, and dressed himself fine,

With cable-knit jumper and cap

Said he felt it exactly like going to dine,

Which the Detective deduced was just crap.

.

The Landlady went simply galumphing about,

At seeing the Doctor so shy:

And even Mycroft, though humourless and stout,

Made an effort to wink with one eye.

.

"Be a man!" said the Detective in wrath, as he heard

The Doctor beginning to sob.

"Should we meet with the Adler, that desperate bird,

I shall need all my strength for the job!"

 

FIT THE FIFTH - THE LANDLADY'S LESSON

They sought it with caution, they sought it with care;

They pursued it with despair and glee;

And e'en thought it caused them to tear at their hair,

They charmed it with smiles and with tea.

.

Then Mycroft contrived an ingenious plan

For making a separate sally;

And had fixed on a spot unfrequented by man,

A dismal and desolate alley.

.

But the very same plan to the Landlady occurred:

She had chosen the very same place!

Yet neither betrayed, by a sign or a word,

The disgust that appeared in their face.

.

Each thought they was thinking of nothing but "Snark"

And the glorious work of the day;

And each tried to pretend that they did not remark

That the other was going that way.

.

But the alley grew narrow and narrower still,

And the evening got darker and colder,

Till (merely from nervousness, not from goodwill)

They marched along shoulder to shoulder.

.

Then a scream, shrill and high, rent the shuddering sky,

And they knew that some danger was near:

The Landlady rose to the tip of her toes,

And even poor Mycroft felt queer.

.

He thought of his childhood, left far far behind-

That blissful and innocent state-

The sound so exactly recalled to his mind

A cakefork squeaking on a plate!

.

"'Tis the voice of the Adler!" he suddenly cried.

(This man, that they thought of as "Dunce.")

"The Detective would tell you," he added with pride,

"I have uttered that sentiment once.

.

"'Tis the note of the Adler! Keep count, I entreat;

You will find I have told it you twice.

'Tis the song of the Adler! The proof is complete,

If only I've stated it thrice."

.

The Landlady had counted with scrupulous care,

Attending to every word:

But she fairly lost heart, and called out in despair,

When the third repetition occurred.

.

She felt that, in spite of all possible pains,

She had somehow contrived to lose count,

And the only thing now was to rack her poor brains

By reckoning up the amount.

.

"Two added to one-if that could but be done,"

She said, "with one's fingers and thumbs!"

Recollecting with tears how, in earlier years,

She had taken no pains with her sums.

.

"The thing can be done," said Mycroft, "I think.

The thing must be done, I am sure.

The thing shall be done! Bring me paper and ink,

The best there is time to procure."

.

The Landlady brought paper, pencils and pens,

And cake in unfailing supplies:

While the Homeless Network came out of their dens,

And watched them with wondering eyes.

.

So engrossed was Mycroft, he heeded them not,

As he wrote with a pen in each hand,

And explained all the while in a popular style

Which the Landlady could understand.

.

"Taking Three as the subject to reason about-

A convenient number to state-

We add Seven, and Ten, and then multiply out

By One Thousand diminished by Eight.

.

"The result we proceed to divide, as you see,

By Nine Hundred and Ninety Two:

Then subtract Seventeen, and the answer must be

Exactly and perfectly true.

.

"The method employed I would gladly explain,

While I have it so clear in my head,

If I had but the time and you had but the brain-

But much yet remains to be said.

.

"In one moment I've seen what has hitherto been

Enveloped in absolute mystery,

And without extra charge I will give you at large

A Lesson in Unnatural History."

.

In his genial way he proceeded to say

(Forgetting closing time in the pub

And that giving instruction, without introduction,

Would upset the Diogenes Club),

.

"As to temper the Adler's a desperate bird,

Since she lives in perpetual passion:

Her taste in seduction's entirely absurd -

She is ages ahead of the fashion:

.

"But she knows any client she's beaten before:

She will always look twice at a bribe:

At Cabinet meetings, her ear's to the door,

To a whip-round she always subscribes.

.

"Her appearance when dressed is more exquisite far

Than marble, or Faberge eggs:

(Some think she keeps her rouge in an ivory jar,

And some, in mahogany kegs)

.

"You may rub her with oil; you may rub her with glue:

You may bind her with chain and with tape:

Still keeping one principal object in view-

To preserve her symmetrical shape."

.

Mycroft would gladly have talked till next day,

But he felt that the lesson must end,

And he wept with delight in attempting to say

He considered the Landlady his friend.

.

The Landlady confessed, with affectionate looks

More eloquent even than tears,

She had learned in ten minutes far more than all books

Had taught her in the last sixty years.

.

They returned hand-in-hand: the Detective, unmanned

By the fact their dispute was over,

Said "This amply repays all the wearisome days

We have spent in that bloody Range Rover!"

.

Such friends, as the Landlady and Mycroft became,

Have seldom if ever been known;

In winter or summer, 'twas always the same-

You would always find them on the 'phone.

.

And when quarrels arose-as one frequently finds

Quarrels will, spite of every endeavour -

The song of the Adler recurred to their minds,

And cemented their friendship for ever!

FIT THE SIXTH - THE SERGEANT'S DREAM

They sought it with caution, they sought it with care;

They pursued it with despair and glee;

And e'en thought it caused them to tear at their hair,

They charmed it with smiles and with tea.

.

But the Sergeant, weary of proving in vain

The Detective's deductions were wrong,

Fell asleep, and in her dreams saw the creature quite plain

That her fancy had dwelt on so long.

.

She dreamed that she stood in a shadowy Court,

Where the Snark, with a glass in his hand,

In his best Westwood suit, was playing the flute

With a second-rate military band.

.

The charge seemed to have never been clearly expressed,

And it seemed that the Snark had begun,

And had spoken three hours, before any one guessed

What he was supposed to have done.

.

The Jury were threatened in different ways

(Long before the indictment was read),

And they all spoke at once, so that none of them knew

One word that the others had said.

.

"My future fate now depends on your votes."

Here the Snark sat down in his place,

And directed the Judge to refer to his notes

And briefly to sum up the case.

.

But the Judge said he never had summed up before;

So the Snark undertook it instead,

And summed it so well that it came to far more

Than the Witnesses ever had said!

.

When the verdict was called for, the Jury declined,

As the words were so puzzling to spell;

But they ventured to hope that the Snark wouldn't mind

Undertaking that duty as well.

.

So the Snark found the verdict, although, as he owned,

He was spent with the toils of the day:

When he said "NOT GUILTY!" the Jury all groaned,

And Lestrade fainted away.

.

Thus Donovan dreamed, while a bellowing seemed

To grow every moment more clear:

Till she woke to the knell of a furious bell,

The Detective rang close to her ear.

 

FIT THE SEVENTH - THE ASSISTANT'S FATE

They sought it with caution, they sought it with care;

They pursued it with despair and glee;

And e'en though it caused them to tear at their hair,

They charmed it with smiles and with tea.

.

The Assistant, inspired with a courage so new

It was matter for general remark,

Rushed madly ahead and was lost to their view

In her zeal to discover the Snark

.

But while she was seeking with caution and care,

A cab driver swiftly drew nigh

And grabbed the Assistant, who shrieked in despair,

For she knew it was useless to fly.

.

She offered him money - she offered a cheque

(Drawn "to bearer") for seven-pounds-ten:

But the cab driver merely extended his hand

And grabbed the Assistant again.

.

Without pausing to text - for he gave her no rest,

But just turned his taxi-cab round -

She skipped and she hopped, and she floundered and flopped,

Till fainting she fell to the ground.

.

The cab driver fled as the others appeared

Led on by that fear-stricken din:

The Detective remarked "It is just as I feared!"

And played on his violin.

.

She was red in the face, and they scarcely could trace

The least likeness to what she had been:

While so great was her fright that her hair had turned white-

A wonderful thing to be seen!

.

To the horror of all who were present that day

She uprose in her black business dress,

And with senseless grimaces endeavoured to say

What her tongue could no longer express.

.

Down she sank in a chair – ran a comb through her hair -

Undertaking the strangest of deeds:

Acts whose utter inanity proved her insanity,

For she texted a coal merchant in Leeds.

.

"Leave her here to her fate - it is getting so late!"

(The Detective, his temper disclosing.)

"We have lost half the day. Any further delay,

And we shan't reach the pub before closing!"

FIT THE EIGHTH - THE VANISHING

They sought it with caution, they sought it with care;

They pursued it with despair and glee;

Though it caused the Detective to tear at his hair,

He charmed it with smiles and with tea.

.

They shuddered to think what the chase might reveal,

And the DI, excited at last,

Went bounding along on his toes and his heels,

For the daylight was nearly past.

.

"There is the Freak shouting!" Donovan said,

"He is shouting like mad, only hark!

He is waving his hands, he is shaking his head,

He has certainly discovered the Snark!"

.

They gazed in delight, while Mycroft exclaimed

"He was a genius, even in youth!"

They beheld the Detective - their hero proclaimed -

On the top of a hospital roof.

.

Heroic and sublime, for one moment of time.

In the next, that thin figure they saw

In his tight purple shirt, plummet down to the dirt,

While they waited and listened in awe.

.

"It's the Snark!" was the sound that first came to their ears,

And seemed almost emotional, for him.

Then followed a torrent of laughter and cheers:

Then the ominous words "No! It's Jim!"

.

Then, silence. Some fancied they heard in the air

A weary and wandering sigh

That sounded like "John!" but the others declare

It was only a cyclist go by.

.

They hunted till darkness came on, but they found

Not his coat, nor his scarf, nor a mark,

By which they could tell that they stood on the ground

Where the Detective had met with the Snark.

.

In the midst of the words he was trying to say,

In the midst of his laughter and glee,

He had softly and suddenly vanished away-

For the Snark was Moriarty, you see.


	12. The Hunter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This time I decided to have a tilt at Byron...

He stalks in silence through the night  
Of London, ‘neath the starry skies,  
And all that's worse of dark and bright  
Is echoed in his blue-green eyes;   
But mellowed to a tender light  
Which he to normal man denies.

One crime the more, one crime the less,  
Will not impair that nameless grace  
Which waves in every raven tress  
Or softly lightens o'er his face,  
Where thoughts serenely do express  
How well ordered their dwelling-place.


	13. Dreaming All The Time Of Baker Street

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Based on Sir Henry Newbolt's poem "Drake's Drum." Probably has darker undertones than I intended.

The detective's in the graveyard and a hundred miles away

(Sherlock, are you in your winding-sheet?)

Between the churchyard yew trees, a headstone dark and grey

And dreaming all the time of Baker Street.

Yonder lies the East End, yonder lie the slums

The Homeless Network running on tiptoe.

The clues John found confusing, solutions so bemusing,

He sees it all so plainly, as he saw it long ago.

.

The detective was a genius, who some found hard to please

(Sherlock, are you in your winding-sheet?)

Willingly to his death fell, he went with heart at ease

And dreaming all the time of Baker Street.

'Take my violin to London, hang it on the wall

Play it when your spirit's running low;

When the villains come calling, I'll find the chase enthralling

And bring them all to justice, as I brought them long ago.'

.

The detective's in the graveyard till the villains return again

(Sherlock, are you in your winding-sheet?)

Lying between the yew trees, lonely in the rain

And dreaming all the time of Baker Street.

Call him when you're desperate, when you fear that all is lost,

Call him when you go to meet the foe;

When the Great Game's playing, and you have a fear of dying

John will find him 'ware and waking, as he found him long ago.


End file.
